


Bucky's bisexual awakening

by everythingisconnected



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotionally Repressed, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Holding Hands, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Brainwashing, Period-Typical Homophobia, Possessive Bucky Barnes, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Self-Discovery, Spooning, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-13 00:37:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14738801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingisconnected/pseuds/everythingisconnected
Summary: The only life Bucky had known was that he'd grow into a strong man, find a nice wife, a stable job and have a family.It seemed like that was the only option there was, so he had to stick to it.Until he's in Wakanda and the world is completely different. With the help of Shuri, he realises maybe his feelings for Steve aren't quite as platonic as he thought.





	Bucky's bisexual awakening

**Author's Note:**

  * For [space_ally](https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_ally/gifts).



> My first stucky fic, constructive criticism is always welcome. May or may not have used some of my experiences in finding out I wasn't straight in this fic haha
> 
> Enjoy, comments and kudos mean a lot to me :)

The only life Bucky had known was that he'd grow into a strong man, find a nice wife, a stable job and have a family. 

It seemed like that was the only option there was, so he had to stick to it. 

Maybe he was unusually close to his best friend Steve. They'd been friends since they were kids, why wouldn't they be? Bucky was extremely protective over Steve, who was smaller than him and often the target of bullies. 

Except it wasn't considered normal to prefer spending time with your best friend over a date with a girl. He'd ended up standing girls up more times than he'd like to admit because Steve needed him. This was the part of him he kept a secret from others. The part that deeply cared for his best friend, more than any girl he'd met. That when one of them was feeling down, they'd cuddle together in bed. 

He'd try to tell himself it was normal, he just had strong platonic feelings for Steve. 

Bucky had a talent when it came to flirting. Girls seemed to love him. It was a real bonus, he was gonna achieve the cookie cutter life all American men should have. He'd find a wife, get married and settle down. 

Ignoring feelings like sometimes when he saw couples kissing, his eyes lingered equally, if not more on the man. That sometimes he found men more aesthetically pleasing than women. That was obviously because he wanted to look like them, he'd tell himself. And when he looked at men with women, he was obviously just imagining himself in the man's place. 

There was no other option. He couldn't be _gay_ , that word was practically the biggest insult one could give a man. He was attracted to women. He'd kissed, had sex with women. It was impossible. 

Of course he'd encourage Steve to approach women, the poor guy was clueless. But he'd never admit he was secretly relieved when his best friend returned to him without success. That had to be because Bucky enjoyed spending time with him, not because the thought of Steve being with a woman made him jealous. 

So he continued to live that life, in the path that was set for him. 

It wasn't totally fulfilling, there was definitely a gap. Bucky couldn't quite place it. 

-

_2018_

Fresh out of cryo, Bucky was forced to adjust to the modern world. Even more modern than the modern world was Wakanda. 

Before when he was in hiding, he'd been on his own. Mostly avoiding people and never really fitting into this new century he was in. In Wakanda it was different. He had a nice girl called Shuri looking after him, who'd told him Steve would be visiting soon. That had instantly made him smile. 

Finally, he was free of HYDRA programming and could attempt to live a vaguely normal life. Even though that was practically impossible after what he'd been through. 

All this new technology was fascinating. Sometimes it overwhelmed him so much he had to spend a few days in a local hut with some goats to get away. 

Things were pretty different from the 1940s. Very different. 

Bucky realised exactly how different, when he saw Shuri walk by his room to meet another girl, about her age. They hugged for a long time, then kissed. 

What the fuck? Bucky frowned, he was beyond confused. Two girls, kissing? That was a thing nowadays? Did that mean two guys could kiss too? 

In the 1940s that kind of thing was unheard of and definitely illegal. But times seemed to have changed over the last 70 years. A lot more than Bucky thought. 

After Shuri waved goodbye to the girl, she seemed to sense Bucky’s distress and internal conflict. She strode through his open door with a hand on her hip. 

“What is it with you white men,” she rolled her eyes. “and always needing my help?”

“Who said I needed your help?” Bucky grumbled, then realised he probably sounded too harsh. “Sorry.” 

Shuri sighed and sat on the end of the bed. Bucky had his face obscured by his hand, trying to hide his awkwardness. 

Her face softened. “I understand you're not used to the modern world.” 

“No, no I'm not,” Bucky ran his hand through his hair. “Kind of, but not really. Some things… still surprise me.”

“That was my girlfriend,” Shuri smiled to herself. 

“Girls can have… girlfriends?” Bucky raised an eyebrow. 

“Yes. Boys can have boyfriends too, if they want,” Shuri explained. “It's a lot more normal than in your time.” 

It took Bucky a moment to process all this. He had the choice to be with a guy, if he wanted to. This was a whole new opportunity he'd never experienced before. That choice. It was an option. 

He realised he'd been silent for a while. 

“I could be with a man in the same way as a woman,” he said slowly, as if thinking out loud.  
Shuri chuckled, cracking a small smile. “You could.”

“And that's OK?” Bucky scratched his beard nervously. 

“It is.” 

Bucky was silent again. Would he be with a man if he wanted to? He imagined himself kissing a man. Steve was the first man that came to mind, of course because he was his best friend. What would kissing Steve be like? 

Fuck, he imagined the scratch of stubble against his own. Steve was bigger and stronger now, could easily pin him down. No woman could ever hold him down like that. Steve's lips were so inviting, he could easily picture kissing them over and over. Maybe he found Steve aesthetically pleasing not because he wanted to look like him, but because he wanted to be with him. 

That was a terrifying thought. 

How did sex between men work? He'd touched himself before, surely touching another man wouldn't be too different. He could do that. Especially if it was Steve he was doing it with. 

He also remembered the times him and Steve had cuddled together in bed. They could do that, but with kissing. And maybe sex. Had Steve even had sex before? Bucky would teach him gladly. 

But. 

He was still attracted to women. 

What was he? Gay or straight? 

“What if,” he began. “I wanted to be with both men and women? What does that make me?” 

When Shuri said the word bisexual, a massive weight was lifted off his shoulders. He finally had a word to describe him. 

However he had a new problem. He was quite possibly extremely attracted to his best friend. Not at all platonically. 

-

It was hard to get used to, not being alert and on edge at every moment in case someone attacked you. That was why when Steve arrived in Wakanda, Bucky almost melted into their hug. Having physical contact with someone he cared about was euphoric. Every other time he'd been touched was either by someone's fist or boot as they attacked him. Or his own attacking them. Nothing calm or comforting. 

He'd really missed it. Being close to someone. They'd been hugging for far longer than what was normal for friends. Bucky found it incredibly hard to let go. 

After what seemed like forever, they pulled apart, smiling at each other. Steve clapped his shoulder. 

“Good to see you, Buck,” he grinned. Up close, Bucky really did realise what he felt for Steve wasn't platonic. He found himself staring at his lips far too often. It was weird realising his newfound attraction to Steve, all the details he hadn't noticed before. How he'd just shrugged all these thoughts off. Now they were out in the open. At least to him. 

“You too, Steve,” Bucky smiled, faltering for a second when Steve removed his hand from his shoulder. 

“Is the Winter Soldier stuff gone?” Steve looked concerned. 

“Yeah, I feel like a new person,” Bucky said. “How's things with you?” 

They fell into conversation easily on their way back into the building. It was almost like they'd never been separated for 70 years. Except they had, and not everything was the same. Including Bucky’s intense gay feelings for his best friend. 

They'd been friends for so long, Bucky couldn't believe what he'd been missing out on. They'd been going on double dates, setting each other up all this time. When they could've been together. 

Except they couldn't. 

Because Steve was definitely straight. He'd kissed Sharon. And he deserved better than a broken mess like Bucky. 

And the 1940s weren't the same as now. Sometimes he wished he'd been born in this century, maybe then him and Steve would have a chance at being together. 

-

All the stars were out, filling the sky with their soft glow. Bucky and Steve lay side by side on the grass by the river, listening to the sounds of nature and each others’ breathing. Steve's breathing comforted Bucky, made him feel less alone in this foreign world. 

“Buck,” Steve turned on his side to face his best friend, and Bucky followed suite. 

“Hm?” 

“Do you ever think about…” he trailed off, staring into the distance. “Forget it, it's nothing.”

“No, tell me,” Bucky insisted. “Remember when we were kids and we'd stay up past midnight sharing secrets?” 

“‘Course I do, pal,” Steve smiled. “I'm surprised you remember that.” 

“It comes back to me sometimes,” Bucky said.  
“You were into that really religious girl, Martha, but she wasn't allowed to date. You kissed her anyway,” Steve laughed. “You were one sly son of a bitch, Buck.” 

“I was, wasn't I?” Bucky said, feeling kind of awkward now he'd realised his feelings. He didn't really want to be talking about girls with the guy he wanted to be with. 

“Found any nice ladies in Wakanda?” Steve flashed him a smirk. “I bet they're all queuing up for a chance with Bucky Barnes.” 

Bucky laughed and shook his head. “I'm not as smooth as I once was. Most girls would be put off by my lack of an arm and general mental instability.”

“Well I still think you're a catch,” Steve said. “Good looking, fit, caring…” 

Bucky cleared his throat, trying to hide his blush. He felt unworthy of Steve's compliments. And he didn't want to trick himself into believing he had a chance. 

“Um, thanks,” Bucky replied. “What about you then?” 

“Still no one,” Steve sighed. “I'm not exactly relationship material.” 

Bucky frowned. “Why not?” 

“I don't know, hard to find someone with shared life experience.” 

They were silent for a moment. Both just wordlessly stared at each other, like there was a fog hanging over them. Hiding the obvious elephant in the room. 

“Maybe we should get some rest,” Steve sat up, Bucky following. 

“Agreed,” Bucky followed him into his hut, which had only one bed. Steve noticed this and froze. Bucky thought he was gonna react badly. 

Instead, he turned to Bucky and smiled. 

“Just like the good old days, pal,” he stripped out of his shirt and climbed into bed, arm outstretched across the pillow. 

Bucky gulped, shyly taking off his own shirt with difficulty. His chest was covered in scars which he was kind of ashamed of, but luckily the darkness hid them. 

He collapsed onto the bed beside Steve, instantly finding an arm around his waist and a hard body pressed against his back. 

“This OK?” Steve whispered. 

Bucky nodded. He exhaled, letting Steve hold him. The skin on skin contact was possibly the most relaxing sensation he'd felt in 70 years. He felt safe. It was like their roles had been reversed, now Steve was protecting him. And he let him, Steve made him feel loved and like he wasn't an evil monster. 

Fuck, he wasn't going to cry. That definitely wasn't happening after he'd admitted to himself he was attracted to men, Steve in particular. His parents would be rolling in their graves if they knew this was what their ‘tough young man’ had become. 

He decided to ignore those thoughts and focus on Steve holding him. For the first night in forever, he fell asleep with no nightmares to wake him.

-

They'd spent the day with Shuri and her girlfriend introducing Bucky to different genres of music. It was so odd how music had changed so much over the years. He'd ended up spending most of the time laughing with Steve at how weird some songs sounded. 

However, occasionally he'd go distant, still getting used to seeing Shuri being affectionate with a girl. It was all new to him, in a good, but slightly daunting way. He internally pictured him and Steve in their position. It was a nice thought to ponder on. 

They'd retreated to Bucky’s room, which wasn't the hut. He had a TV and Steve was flicking through channels trying to find something for them to watch. 

He didn't find anything, and they ended up talking with the TV in the background. 

“What were you gonna say last night?” Bucky said out of nowhere. “That you said was nothing.”

Steve looked taken aback. “What was that?” 

“You had that look in your eyes,” Bucky said. “Like it was important.” 

“Oh,” Steve blushed and turned away. “You know me too well.” 

“You can tell me, Stevie,” Bucky smiled lopsidedly, leaning into Steve's side. 

“You know, uh, Shuri?” 

“Of course I know Shuri, idiot,” Bucky rolled his eyes and received a lighthearted shove from Steve. 

“She has a girlfriend, and she's a girl,” Steve said, chewing his lower lip nervously. “Guys can have that too.” 

Bucky nodded. “She told me.” 

“Do you ever think about that?” Steve pondered, almost talking to himself. “What it'd be like… to be with a guy? Instead of a woman?” 

Bucky went silent, heart pounding. He'd never expected Steve to bring this up. Had he read his mind? 

“I… don’t know,” Bucky said, obviously lying. “Have you?” 

“Recently, yes,” Steve said, somehow he was having a much easier time talking about this than Bucky was. He turned to Bucky. “Do you think I'm weird, Buck?” 

“What, no way,” Bucky exclaimed. “I've been thinking that too.” 

Shit, he definitely hadn't meant to say that. 

“You have?” Steve shuffled closer unconsciously. 

He couldn't back out now. “Yes.” 

There was another silence. They were staring into each others’ eyes again. 

“Is it weird,” Steve almost whispered. “That I think about what it'd be like to kiss you, all the time?” 

Bucky’s reply was almost inaudible. “No.”

“Can I kiss you now?” 

“God yes.” 

And they were kissing. _Shit_ , he was kissing a man. He was kissing his best friend. It was Bucky’s first kiss in 70 years and it was so fucking perfect, his heart rate had practically doubled. Even better than he'd imagined. Maybe he was out of practise but Steve was leading the kiss, and Bucky followed. They panted into each others’ mouths, refusing to separate. Fuck, Bucky thought he might explode from all the affection he was feeling right now. This was far better than any kiss he'd shared with a woman. 

Steve's hands held his cheeks so gently, thumb stroking over them. He licked and nibbled at Bucky’s lips, making him sigh softly. Bucky had his hand on Steve's chest, feeling his heartbeat and reminding him this was happening. 

“Why didn't we do this earlier?” Steve said when they broke apart, fingers combing through Bucky’s hair. Before Bucky could respond their lips were pressed together again and all he could think about was Steve, Steve, Steve. 

His touch was intoxicating and grounding and the fact he could have this, finally, made him feel alive. 

-

The next few days of Steve's visit consisted of them in Bucky’s room, cuddling, kissing or watching some dumb TV show together. 

Steve decided they needed a walk together. A change of scenery. Bucky agreed, he'd do anything as long as Steve was with him. Except he didn't plan on letting go of Steve's hand, which was held tightly in his own. 

These were different times now. Shuri and her girlfriend kissed and held hands in public. This was _allowed_ and acceptable, and Bucky would be damned if he didn't take advantage of that. 

Plus, being close to Steve or touching him in some way made him feel safe. 

“Buck,” Steve whispered awkwardly, gesturing to their joined hands as they walked down the corridor. Wakandans walked by, none of them staring or seeming uncomfortable. 

“Yes?” Bucky gripped Steve's hand even tighter, smiling smugly to himself. That's right, Steve was his. 

“Do you think we should…?” Steve bit his lip, blushing madly. 

Bucky frowned. “What?” 

“Nothing,” Steve turned away. He really did turn back into that shy young boy from Brooklyn again when he was around Bucky. 

“Good,” Bucky smirked, stopping in the middle of the corridor to face Steve. Then he leaned up, pulling him in for a lingering kiss. 

When they broke apart, Steve was blushing more and looking away. Bucky smiled to himself. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Shuri walk past, giving him a thumbs up. 

Maybe, Bucky was slowly finding his place in this weird new world. Right beside Steve, where he'd always belonged.


End file.
